As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it noting more than a bunch of honking and yelling? And sometimes it seemed that way.

Why do when you send something on a ship it is called 'cargo' and if it is sent in a car it is 'shipment'?

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in a mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that Id just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.

If you go flying back threw time and see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it, It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

Probably the first fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. but then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were 'just going down to the corner.

Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage person.

If you are a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

If you ever crawl inside an hallow log and go to sleep, and while you're are in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a lemon to each jar, for freshness?

I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground and the fish pulls a worm out ot the ground. Now that's a documentary.

If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act suppressed. 'Wait a minute! I thought we won!'

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'She sure owed me a lot of money.'

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.

The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. but then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. 'Uh-oh,' he thought. 'This watering hole is reserved for skeletons.'

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later when you might think you're having a good idea but it is just eggs hatching.

To me it is a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says,'Hey, can you give me a hand?' You can say, 'Sorry, I got these sacks.'